The editor of Virtual Strategy Magazine recently asked me if I would be interested in committing to a regular monthly column for them.  After thinking about it for a few days, I agreed and my first article in the series was published on Monday.  The title of the column is going to be “Confessions of a Virtualization-aholic” where I’ll talk about real world experiences, with plenty of exaggeration and embellishment for effect.

You can follow my new column by visiting Virtual Strategy Magazine and this month’s article is here http://www.virtual-strategy.com/Features/Sweemer-20090825.html.  I’ve also republished the article below.

The data center lights are brighter than the sun. The air is particularly stale and warm today. Beads of sweat are forming on my forehead. One bead grows too large and trickles down my face into my right eye. The salty liquid forces me to squint and temporarily blurs my vision. I hear Jamiroquai’s "Virtual Insanity" playing in the background. Sweet.

My vision returns and I notice a lone leaf of paper, like tumbleweed, dancing across the raised tile floor. It’s caught in the airstream of the temporary fans brought in to combat the blistering heat pouring off the mountains of servers. Off in the distance, I see an Oompa-Loompa doing a perfect pirouette. That’s weird. He’s kinda freakin’ me out. But nevermind. Back to the heat. It’s bad and it’s getting worse.

There are just too many servers. Some renegade, old-school wahoo added more hardware when the existing hardware is way underutilized. Brainwashed products of an era dominated by inefficient operating systems and incompatible applications, you can’t blame them anymore than you can blame a dog for being a dog. But placing blame aside, they have an incredible knack for making a horrible mess of things. I need to put an end to this.

I can feel the temperature rising. The data center technicians have all stripped down to their knickers. Long hair and pot bellies abound. It ain’t pretty. Except for Megan Fox. She’s hot. Evidently, in between filming scenes for her next Transformers movie, she moonlights as a server admin. Who knew? She turns to me and says "Aaron, you have to help us!" There’s an air of desperation in her voice.

"Don’t worry, miss…everything’s going to be alright."

In super slow motion, she flicks back her hair, gives me a sexy smile and a wink. I can’t disappoint Megan! Now I’m on a mission, the heat must come down. Servers must be eliminated. Everything must be virtualized!

It’s show time. Without hesitation I start to P2V everything in sight. The growing crowd starts to cheer and I feed off their excitement. Web, database, middleware, you name it … nothing is safe, nothing is sacred. I’m a P2V monkey, but instead of flinging poo, I’m flinging servers. One by one, each server meets its timely end. The heat is retreating. Trees are being saved! Energy execs are sobbing as their profits diminish with every dead server!

The pile of lifeless hardware is growing quite large. Each server bears an official death certificate which reads "Virtualized by VMware." Most of us cheer. But a few of the old timers hover over the steaming pile of scrap metal screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" One of the poor pathetic souls shakes his fist at me and calls me a murderer. I can’t help but snicker.

Just then, Megan breaks through the crowd and comes running toward me. Oddly enough, her knickers are gone and she’s covered by nothing more than a recent issue of Virtual Strategy Magazine. Carryl Roy, Editor in Chief of VSM, yells "We’re only digital, not print!" To which I exclaim, "I really think you’re missing the point!" And at that very moment, Megan leaps toward me and lands with her lips in perfect alignment with mine.

"My hero!" says Megan.

"Sweemer’s the name, virtualization’s my game."

She moves in for a long, wet kiss. But before our lips touch, she pauses, gives me a funny look and says, "BEEP." Huh? That was weird. Well, it’s Megan Fox, she can say whatever she wants ‘cause she’s so hot! But let’s try that again.

"BEEP"

Okay, Megan sweetheart, you really need to stop that. It’s distracting.

"BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

My eyelids open and I’m staring at the rear end of my 10-year-old boxer, Lucy, who apparently managed to crawl into bed in the middle of the night. I reach over and grab my alarm clock and mid BEEP, I throw it against the wall. I’m pissed. I lost Megan and woke up to old stinky dog butt. But then I roll over and see my amazing, beautiful wife. Megan’s got nothing on her! And life is good again.

My wife opens her eyes and says "You were dreaming about Megan Fox again, weren’t you?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you woke me up 15 times last night screaming, ‘P2V me, Megan! P2V me, baby!’"

I try to conceal my embarrassment as my wife just giggles. But she does a great job of comforting me when she says "Don’t worry, baby. I dream about Megan Fox, too." Sweeeeeet. I love my wife.

Well, time to get up and get ready, I’ve got a long day, which begins with my Virtualization-aholic’s Anonymous meeting. It’s been rumored that Simon Crosby and Steve Ballmer will be there. Care to join us? We meet right here, once a month, at Virtual Strategy Magazine. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you may even hurl, as you hear weird, wacky and sometimes seriously disturbing Confessions of a Virtualization-aholic.